BEFORE LATER, NOW?

(pictured: Ugger having the craic with his biggest rock)

Did you know that there were bloggers during the Paleolithic age? Yes, there were. Of course, prehistory was pre-internet so Paleolithic bloggers had to engrave their blogposts into the bark of trees or the walls of caves. The following is the last entry of one such Paleolitic blogger, a blogger that went by the name of Ugger (uggthewoods.dryandwarmspot.cave). Ugger's last post provides a fascinating insight into early man's struggle to grasp the existential consequences of chronology and cause and effect. Here is what Mr. Ugger had to say:

'I live in a cave. It's a nice cave and I like it. It is cool and dark and I can hear the dripping water echo and the wind enter and leave. I have lots of nice things in my cave. Things like rocks and stones. I like to place the rocks and stones into little arrangements. It's grand. It's a grand pastime. Sometimes I look out and watch the others. Two of the males fighting over some female or the whole lot of them gathered around the carcass of some creature, gutting it and preparing it for the spit. After they are finished eating, I pop down there to scavenge whatever meat is left on the bones. If there's nothing left then that's fine. I have my berries and they see me through. I get by. I rarely get any trouble from the tribe or the big cats or the bears or anything. I am safe. I just hang out here arranging rocks and stones and thinking about stuff. The others think I'm wasting my time thinking but I enjoy it. Thinking is good. It's interesting. I think about lots of things. I often think about Booglarrr. Ahh, Booglarrr. Booglarrr of the long limbs and swaying hips. Kind Booglarrr. Gentle Booglarrr. Oh sweet Booglarrr. Boooooooooooooogllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr. Booglarrr who never gives me a second look. Booglarrr who longs for Kunk. Kunk who has followed the river. Kunk who has seen the far trees and brought back the rare vinyl. Kunk of the decks.

Thinking of Booglarrr takes up a lot of my time but I've recently started thinking about something else a lot too. I've started thinking about something I don't think anyone has ever thought about. I have started thinking about a time. A time that is not Now or Before. I have started thinking about another time. A new time. A time after Now. I call this time Later.

Later confuses me. Why, if I can know what is happening in Now and can recall what happened in Before, can I not know what happens in Later? There must be some way of finding out. If there is a Later then something is happening in this Later. What is it? Are the big cats back in Later, jumping out from the trees? In Later, has Booglarrr finally noticed me and seen Kunk for what he is: a source of complimentary tickets to the tribal ball and not much more. What shape are the clouds in Later?

I look to the clouds Now and imagine them in Later. Do they hint of their Later selves by the way they are changing Now? Can they tell me other things about what is in Later? If I scatter the rocks and stones of my cave, will they land in a shape that depicts Later? Will the random rock arrangement speak of Later? Later has come to absorb me completely. Even when I am thinking of other things, I am not thinking of them in Now or in Before but in Later.

I have come to understand that there are two ways to get a decent idea of what is happening in Later. The first way of getting a better idea of what is happening in Later is by taking part in Now and trying to shape Later. But that thought makes me uncomfortable. That is an uncertain way of finding out what is in Later. If I go messing around with Now in the hopes of shaping Later I might end up not enjoying Now. I might ruin Now. I might make a mess of Now. I might make a fool of myself in Now and Booglarrr might laugh at me. I don't want to risk Now for Later. Now is all I have and Later is not here yet. I really like Now. I like to spend Now thinking. I like to spend Now thinking about Later.

Continuing to spend Now thinking about Later and making sure I remain spending Now thinking about Later is actually the second way of getting a better idea of what happens in Later Now. It's quite easy to predict: In Later, I will be here in my cave, arranging my rocks and stones, and thinking about Later. Booglarrr thinks no less of me in Later. She doesn't think of me at all in Later. The clouds are changing shape in Later as they are changing shape in Now so nothing really changes in Later and Later is the same as Now. To control Later, to keep Later the same as Now, all I have to do in Later is not do anything but think about Later. I am getting by in Later. I am not getting any trouble from the tribe or the big cats or the bears or anything in Later. In Later I am safe. I have my rocks and stones and the echo of the dripping water and the wind entering and leaving...

...argh, who am I kidding? The dripping water and the drafts are driving me crazy. I must've placed these ugging rocks and stones in every arrangement possible. I've got to get the ug out of here. I'm off. I'm getting the ug out of here ...Now!'

The blogpost ends abruptly there. Ugger's well-preserved remains were found scattered about the mouth of a cave in southwestern France. Examining the evidence, we might ascertain that our troglodyte proto-blogger finished his blogpost and departed his den with a new sense of purpose, only to be immediately pounced upon by a saber-tooth tiger and torn apart, alas becoming an artefact of Before that we can study Now.

OK, that's all for today. See you ...Later?

THE TWO WORD LANGUAGE

(pictured above: Iago-good with words)

Language has gotten out of hand. The main purpose of vocabulary and grammar is to manipulate and deceive, to give the irrational the pretence of rationality, to justify questionable actions with verbose exorcisms of cognitive dissonance and to propagate ideologies and dogmas that justify the persecution of others. It’s all just spin. Language has become a nasty thing and it’s time it was reined in.

That is why I propose The Two Word Language, an international language that has only two words. One word is ‘Ooo’ and the other word is ‘Kah’. Ooo means ‘nice’, ‘like’ or ‘love’. You might say Ooo when contemplating a big bowl of custard or while getting your ears nibbled. Kah means ‘horrible’, ‘dislike’ or ‘hate’. You might say Kah when contemplating a big bowl of shite or while getting your ears nibbled by the parish priest. So, that’s it, now you can speak The Two Word Language. Two words. That is all. Ooo and Kah.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking a two word language will retard our progress as a species. You’re wrong. We will use diagrams to share complex instructions and therefore still be able to build machines and bake cakes etc. We don’t really need language for all that. ‘But Mr. Fugger, what about great works of literature and drama?’ I hear you plea. ‘Fuck em!’ is my response. What did great works of literature and drama ever give us? A heap of ‘to be or not to be’ angst and not much else. Forget all that stuff. That’s all part of the problem. Ooo and Kah are all we need. Them and the diagrams.

We may have to forget about literature and drama but we’ll still have music and images (but not films-the dialectic grammar of films is too emotive and propagandistic). We’ll even still have certain types of literature in the form of poems (but not the epic kind). Yes, there will still be poems. A love poem would go:

Ooo Ooo Ooo
Ooo
Ooo Ooo
Ooo Ooo Ooo
Ooo
Ooo Ooo

. . .and an anti-war poem or something would go:

Kah Kah
Kah Kah Kah
Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah

The Two Word Language isn’t that limited at all really. Some intonation or volume variables in the annunciation of ‘Ooo’ and ‘Kah’ are also permitted, so as to express gradations in feeling (muttering Kah would not mean the same thing as roaring the word for example) or conveying uncertainty (saying Ooo with a questioning inflection at the end of the word). Actually, maybe we’ll have one more word. A phonetic word that means ‘OK’ or ‘whatever’. This word will be ‘Meh’. We already use it. You’re probably saying it to yourself right now.

So that’s it. Ooo, Kah and Meh. They are the only words we need. Anything more is just guff. We are fundamentally about likes and dislikes and that is all we need to express. We don’t have to explain ourselves to anybody, even if we did we’d just make up some bullshit anyway and others would probably only hear what they expected to hear. Language is so much wasted time. We just need to know if each other are happy or sad, pleased or displeased, and then we can get on with things. Ooo, Kah and Meh are all we need from now on. Yes, from now on, because I think we should get started right away. There’s no time like the present. THERE. IS. NO. TIME. LIKE. THE. PRESENT. That’s another good thing about The Two Word Language, it’ll stop us dragging up the past and disagreeing about the future. We’ll be forever in the present and the present is the only time that matters. The Two Word Language is a Zen tongue.

Don’t forget to return to Fugger later this week to see my next post. It should be easy enough to follow. Come to think of it, tagging posts is going to be a lot less hassle from now on too. OK, these are the last words I ever type in the old language. It’s all Ooos and Kahs from here on in. Ooo Ooo Ooo.