A TREMENDOUS SENSE OF BELONGING AT THE MATCH

I watched the soccer match this weekend. Did you watch the soccer match this weekend? You didn't? It was very good. It was a very good game. Well, it was OK. It was OK in parts. I yelled a lot anyway. I watched it in the pub and I got stuff out of my system by yelling things like 'oh come on ref' and 'offside' and other things I heard other people yelling. I was imbued with a tremendous sense of belonging. Belonging to what I wasn't sure but I felt that I belonged and that is the most important thing. I hadn't felt such belonging since my days with the Branch Davidians or as a member of the Socialist Worker's Party. There really was a tremendous sense of belonging to be had at the match last weekend. 

 

Anyway, it was a great/OK game. Here are the highlights:

A man kicked a ball to another man who then kicked it to a man he didn't mean to kick it to. The ball was then moved around by the man who had accidentally received possession of the ball. He moved the ball around lots of other men who seemed quite keen to kick it but couldn't because the man who accidentally received possession of the ball moved it too quickly. This went on for a bit until the man who accidentally received possession of the ball failed to put it in a net that he was going toward because yet another man took the ball from him. You could tell from the way this latest guy dressed that he didn’t want to put the ball in the net nearest him so he kicked it to another man who was wearing clothes similar to his own. No one picked up the ball for the most part and one man got an elbow in the teeth. The whole thing went on for about an hour and a half (excluding a little break in the middle when all the men walked off to get sandwiches or something). 

I later heard that two of the men playing are racists and one beat up his girlfriend. They are good with the ball though and that's what counts. All the men playing are said to be very wealthy. The new strip is in the shops on Tuesday. The score was nil all. After the match a fella kept talking to me about it as we were using the urinals. He was crying because of a 'failed qualification' or something. I got uncomfortable and couldn't piss. We smashed up stuff on the way home and got on the news but they didn't go on about it too much because we weren't being political or anything weird.

Can't wait for next weekend.

Those fellas should be behind bars!

‘Those fellas should be behind bars!’ That’s what I always say when faced with acts of economic treason or revelations of institutionalised child abuse. I say ‘those fellas should be behind bars’ and I feel all the better for it.

I say it to everyone. I go into the newsagents, pick up a newspaper, look at the headline and say ‘those fellas should be behind bars!’ to the other customers or the newsagent or whoever’s around. It’s great. Very cathartic. Try it yourself. Try it now. It’s easy; all you have to do is frown and say: ‘those fellas should be behind bars!’ Did you do it? You did? I can’t say I noticed. Try it again. Declare it loudly this time and with a distinct air of incredulity. OK, let’s see how it goes. Ready? Go! Ahh, that’s it. You have it now. Felt good didn’t it?

Similarly, when angered by juvenile delinquency, I like to exclaim in a stern tone, ‘they should bring back the birch’. That’s a good one too. I also recommend ‘did you see the match?’ in a chirpy tone, for relaxed social occasions. It’s a good ice-breaker and there has always been a match. Oh, and if there has been any trouble at the match, from hooligans or that, you can score a hat trick by saying. . .
Chirpy Tone: ‘Did you see the match?’
Incredulous Tone: ‘Those fellas should be behind bars’.
Stern Tone: ‘They should bring back the birch’.
That feels fucking fantastic.