HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

The other day I woke up to discover that I wasn’t there. I had a good look around but couldn’t find myself in the house. I rang work and was told that I hadn’t shown up there either.

I placed posters in local shops, libraries and recreation centres asking for information on my whereabouts. There was a picture of me on the posters with my mobile phone number displayed under the words: ‘Have You Seen Me? If So Please Call Me At My Number Below’.

Happily, my mobile soon rang and a voice said ‘there you are’ and indeed I was there. I was found and no longer missing. To make sure I don’t lose myself again I’m going to hang my name and address around my neck so that when I’m found I’m immediately returned.

The strange thing is though, I enjoyed being gone.

OBAMA BOMBA OSAMA!

(pictured above: Osama during his residency at the Embassy Club, Manchester, 2005)

Really, I don’t know what we’ll do without him. Remember the little videos he used to leave? They were kind of vlogs really. And remember the funny little hat? I loved that hat. Remember the way he and his mates used hang around in caves? They were like The Clangers weren’t they? They were a gas little shower, popping up out of the caves and leaving videos for CNN. And his name, it sounded a bit like Aladdin didn’t it? It would’ve been class if his name was Aladdin Bin Laden and he had a flying carpet and they chased him around on it with their jets. Imagine that! Rat-a-tat-tat! Fwooosh! Alas, we won’t see it now.

Now, I know he wasn’t perfect. I know he was a bit nutty, but you have to hand it to him, he made some very exciting telly. It’s all ended a bit anticlimactically though hasn’t it? We’re not even going to get a televised funeral, like with Diana. They buried him at sea. What use is that? They just threw his body to the sharks. So, no funeral, what a let down. Where's the closure? You need a bit of decent closure to wrap things up properly. It’s like Lost all over again. I mean really, who is writing this shit?

Anyway, I’ve got to go. I hear his prayer mat is selling on E-Bay and I want to get my bid in.