THE MAN IN TATAOUINE

Schloop schlop, off to the shop. Sausages, eggs and milk. Flip flap, back to the flat. Put them in the fridge.

I was very far from anywhere once and he was even further. Standing in a long stretch of nowhere near the Tunisian Libyan border. What was he doing there? He was just standing. He certainly wasn't going to find any figs or anything. Maybe he was a North African Harry Dean Stanton, walking off the memory of a woman. Or maybe some Crowleite who got into a spot of occult bother or maybe a Saharan demon some Crowleite summoned. Maybe just some Berber up to something but what that something could've been must've been almost nothing. All you can find is scorpions and sand until the cold night falls and the snakes move around.

Maybe he was an off-roader whose vehicle took a tumble or a refugee escaping national turmoil. To my mind at least, from a distance, out there, he momentarily became Frankenstein's monster. An existential anomaly. A slip in cosmic continuity. I once heard a baby crying far out in the ocean. It might have been some gull but I didn't see one. Maybe sometimes the Universe puts things where it shouldn't and you see or hear something in a place where you couldn't.

I'm grilling my sausages and putting milk in my coffee and thinking of him and feeling glad that I'm me. At least I'm just bored whereas maybe he's scared. I'll never forget how he just stared and stared. Maybe he was wondering what I was doing out there. Maybe he thought of calling out but just didn't dare. Maybe he thought that he was looking at Set. Maybe what I saw was an angel of death.

NATIONAL TRANSITIONAL COUNCIL APPPOINTMENT BUREAU TM.

(pictured above: pick a loony, any loony)

I’m setting up a national transitional council appointment bureau. ‘What’s a national transitional council appointment bureau Mr. Fugger?’ I hear you ask. Well, what we do is go around the world filling political vacuums by appointing candidates from the area to govern. So, imagine for example, some despot loses the run of himself and his subjects are forced to shoot him in the head, what happens then is that we come along and find the right people to replace the despot before things get out of control sans leadership and the place goes nuts and people start looting Foot Locker and the like. My national transitional council appointment bureau is called The National Transitional Council Appointment Bureau (registered trademark, in association with Foot Locker).

‘But how do you know who is right for the job Mr. Fugger? Ruling a country is a lot of responsibility’, I hear you pitifully bleat. Well, with the assistance of Google, Wikipedia, a few old copies of The Wall Street Journal and Folens Geography for the Leaving Certificate (1997) we familiarise ourselves with the layout, economy, and customs of the area in question. Once we feel we have the measure of the place, we select various candidates from positions of responsibility (such as bankers, business people, and military types) to take up the reins.

The main thing is to find out who the masses would like to lead them and then select individuals who might sort of resemble that type of person (kind of, in a way) but who would also be unlikely to cause any hassle for the more organised nations of the world and business ventures therein going forward. We don’t want loonies or upstarts. No one wants loonies or upstarts. However, we might appoint the odd loony depending on what kind of loony he or she (but more likely ‘he’) is. Some loonies are quite sane when looked at from a different perspective and we in The National Transitional Council Appointment Bureau TM (in association with Foot Locker) are all about perspective.

In short: It is the mission of The National Transitional Council Appointment Bureau TM (in association with Foot Locker) to provide leaderless nations with the appropriate knowledge and related BAE Systems products to properly fulfil their needs and set them squarely on the world stage as they embark on their newly won springtime of freedom, ...and all at a reasonable price (national assets being the preferred form of payment going forward). Our friendly, knowledgeable and professional staff will inspire, educate and problem-solve for our customers whether said customers like it or not.

. . .OK, look, it doesn’t always work out. We usually make a right shit of this sort of thing to be honest but we try our hardest and that’s what counts isn’t it? Well, that and the pay and we always make sure we get paid. IN FULL!

BTW: Snickers is the official between meal treat of The National Transitional Council Appointment Bureau TM (in association with Foot Locker). Why not try the new Snickers peanut butter or almond bars? Mmm, chocolate just got better!