TASTY-LICIOUS

(pictured – Try our Cock-A-Doodle-Deep-Fat-Doo)

I'm opening a new chain of restaurants called Tasty-Licious. With a catchy name like that, I reckon it's going to be a big hit. The food won't be very nice (mainly mechanically separated meat stuff with added sweetener and things called 'bovine approximate', 'anabolic emulsifier', 'pulverized extract', 'black rot mix', 'Xanax' and unwanted pets) but the outlets will be bright, cheerful and child friendly and we'll deliver to your door. We'll even have stuff in the shops. The Tasty-Licious range in stores will make it so you can still enjoy a Tasty-Licious treat at home even if you don't have a Tasty-Licious near your home. Mmmm, that's Tasty-Licious. I'm sure some begrudgers will say the food tastes awful but it will also be cheap so that should appeal. I'm not going to waste a load of money on ingredients when there's the whole promotional campaign to be paying for. (Journos don't pepper their lifestyle pieces with references to your product for free you know, LOL!) I reckon if you see the words Tasty-Licious everywhere and constantly hear our jingle – 'Ooh Tasty-Licious, that's Tasty-Licious, mmmm Tasty-Licious, Yeah!' – you'll realise that food is just as much about 'fun' as it is taste and nutrition. I find the whole nutrition thing very Calvinist anyway don't you? The whole 'eat your greens' thing. Booorrrring.

So, Tasty-Licious will be making food fun. We'll have this thing called a Grub Mug that's basically dinner in a big pink plastic mug! And there'll be the Party in a Bucket, which will be a load of food thrown into a huge cardboard bucket type thing for people to share, although most will probably enjoy it alone. Speaking of 'alone', Tasty-Licious will also be introducing Bachelor Chow for unmarried men who are too busy playing GTA to bother preparing anything decent. The ads will feature a debonair Roger Moore type ordering a portion of Bachelor Chow to his 'pad' but we'll also have a parallel campaign, a kind of shaky camera thing with a documentary feel, that will feature lads with drinking problems and depression who can't get access to their kids and all that stuff talking frankly to the camera about how Bachelor Chow 'brings some light to a very dark place'. It'll be great!

I'd say you'll be dropping in yourself will you? I mean there are lots of good places with great food but I bet you'll be drawn to Tasty-Licious. 'Ah, I don't really have time for anything nice, I'll just head for Tasty-Licious and get eating over with', you'll say to yourself. When it comes to fast food there'll be nowhere faster than Tasty-Licious. Try our Tasty-Licious Time Saver, for people on the go. With the Tasty-Licious Time Saver you don't even have to bother sitting down. You just stand there at the counter while a member of staff pushes the food into your open gob. Then you can get back to the telly or work or shouting at employees or doing whatever it is you need to do to love your life. Remember - 'Ooh Tasty-Licious, that's Tasty-Licious, mmmm Tasty-Licious, Yeah!'

See ya soon snack seekers!

TOP DOG

(pictured above: the Lads, in happier times)

People reckon I’m thick and like to take advantage. It’s not great for the self esteem. I realised I’d had enough of this one day and decided to only socialise with people who are less intelligent than me. Not being too bright, this meant that I ended up hanging around with dogs.

The dogs thought I was a genius. I could just walk through a door (of a shop) and come out with food (I bought) and, as far as the dogs were concerned, I’d just made dinner appear out of nowhere. It was loaves and fishes stuff to the dogs. You could see them thinking ‘how the hell did he do that?’ as I scattered packets of digestives on the pavement. The simple act of buying biscuits was Large Hadron Collider level ingenuity to the lads. (I called my dog friends ‘The Lads’.)

Humans regarded my friendship with the lads suspiciously. You should’ve seen the look on the owners’ faces when I came knocking at the door asking ‘is Mardy in?’ There was one old lady who was glad to let her German Shepherd (Kaiser) out with me though, as it saved her having to exercise him herself.

But Kaiser, well, he started getting smart. He began to usurp me as leader of the pack. We’d all be running down the road, barking at cyclists and that, when all of a sudden Kaiser would lead the lads off down some side alley, leaving me behind. Sometimes, when I was approaching the lads on the street, they’d act all aloof. I could tell they’d been talking about me and Kaiser would have that look on his face. The smug muzzle on him. It was enough to make me sick.

I tried to win the lads back by buying a load of cooked chicken, battenberg, and almond fingers. No expense spared. It didn’t work out though. The lads just got fat, their owners got fed up, and Kaiser’s influence remained. I couldn’t figure out his appeal. I mean, he never bought a scrap of food and even if he wanted to he couldn’t. How could he? Where would he keep the money? He didn’t even have any pockets.

I realised something would have to be done about Kaiser, so one day I took the lads up the local vets and got them to wait outside. Then I brought Kaiser inside and had him put down. ‘That’ll learn ya!’ I said to Kaiser as a perturbed looking vet administered the lethal injection, ‘that’ll bloody learn ya!’

The lads were a bit mournful for a while but the old status quo was eventually restored and I was Top Dog once again.

Things continued like this for a couple of years until all the lads died of heart attacks. Too much fatty food. A few owners got together and launched legal proceedings against me so I changed my name and moved to a different part of the city where I am now. Not many dogs around here so I’ve taken up with cats. They like being fed too but it isn’t the same. The cats seem less impressed by my ability to produce food from nowhere. Their unjustifiable sense of entitlement is frankly unappealing. They also wander off when I’m holding court, speaking about my thoughts and observations. Cats just gobble up what’s on offer and waddle off across the rooftops (I say ‘waddle’ because they are getting a bit podgy like the lads did).

It’s hard to be the boss of cats. It’s all conditional with them. There’s none of that palsy walsy stuff I used get with the lads. Cats are users really. They’re as bad as people. They just take advantage. They think I’m stupid. Well, they’ll see how stupid I am. I’m looking up the Golden Pages. I’m looking for the nearest vet. LOL! etc.

Speaking of dogs, check out the first ever Rabid Dog Christ comic by clicking the following link: RABID DOG CHRIST