THE INDIFFERENCE ENGINE

The first ever computer was Charles Babbage's 19^th century Difference Engine. A beautiful machine consisting of twisting brass gears, the Difference Engine solved equations and it changed the world. Soon the world will change again. We'll invent a quantum computer that will solve everything that remains unsolved in any given field. The quantum computer will be able to perform infinite calculations infinitely, sorting out everything at once with its omnitask ability. All ailments will be cured and even death will be overcome. All questions will be answered and there'll be nothing left to wonder about. There'll be world peace because everyone will be in perfect agreement. There'll be nothing that can't be done.

However, one unsolvable problem will result from this solving of all problems. The ultimate problem of eternal boredom. We'll be rendered yawning immortals sat in front of portals that look onto the past, watching the human race when it used be confused and beset with problems. We'll envy our ancestors the struggles that were their reasons for being. We'll long for the days when we had real feelings. There'll no longer seem to be a point in anything when we know the point of everything and there'll no longer be a reason to go on when life just goes on and on and on and on. Pity the gods that we are destined to become, as superfluous as they are superior in the shadow of their Indifference Engine.

THE YTIRALUGNIS

I'm kind of clever, kind of. I read about stuff that matters and I ponder it and comment about it, online usually as I find the interface of face to face a muddled and confusing place.

I'm currently worried about artificial intelligence and the impending Singularity. When it comes to artificial intelligence, the Singularity is the point when computers become more like humans only superior. It's quite concerning. Although, maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, I was thinking, we should be talking about things happening the other way around. We should be talking about the impending Ytiralugnis. That's what's really going to happen. The Ytiralugnis is the Singularity backwards, the point when humans become more like computers only inferior. When we all become the nodes of one great algorithmic consciousness. Led by the #s and validated by the 'likes'. 101001000011010001ing our nodey little heads off. All as one. Unified at last. A singular thing but in a perverse kind of reverse. All with opinions on opinions we are destined to have opinions on. Each of us will be a 'unique' series of takes on whatever is trending.

This is Lord Shiva as a search engine and us as anonymous voices emitting from the Cloud. We'll no longer be people but blogs and Twitter accounts and Facebook walls and apps and regular forum posters and viral uploads. We'll be multi-platform experiences. We'll all be part of one great family. Our surname will Dotcom. Our new family may be slightly dysfunctional, somewhat divided. The upper caste will be those with high hit counts. The lower caste the least hit. And newborns will be called noobs and the elderly will be sneeringly referred to as Commodore 64s. And when we die we'll be shipped off to a landfill in Ghana and stripped down for reusable parts and then incinerated on pyres by kids with emphysema, wearing homemade pollution filters, that never logged on in their lives.

The #Ytiralugnis – it's going to happen. It has happened. It's happening right now. Artificial Intelligence, it's making us kind of clever, kind of; reading about stuff that matters and pondering it and commenting about it online, finding the faceless interface a muddled and confusing place.

The LOL Equation.

(pictured above: Fugger's lovely staff at work generating gags)

I really want to keep this blog regular but it’s hard work at times so I’ve invented a machine that generates posts. It’s a kind of quantum computer that works on the basis of a system I call The LOL Equation. It’s pretty smart, if I don’t mind saying so myself. I like to think of these generated posts as the contributions of my very own LOL Hadron Collider.

Here’s the first of the computer generated posts. It should be similar in style and nature to the usual stuff but probably a bit better. Right, I’ll leave you in the device’s capable hands. Enjoy.

TITLE: SEXTING

MAIN BODY OF TEXT: Hello readers. Sexting is the sending of risqué SMS messages. Needless to say, it can cause inconvenience if you send a sext (text) to the wrong person. For example, you could possibly send the following communiqué to your mother: “I have a lovely big knob”.

Needless to say, a sext (text) of that nature would be meant for your sister. An added inconvenience would be if the information comprised in your sext (text) was false and you did not, in actual fact, have “a lovely big knob”. Needless to say, your mother would know this.

Needless to say, there would be red faces around the kitchen table come teatime let me tell you readers and needless to say-LOL + ROFL {{LMFAO ~ RATFLMFAO^BFF < LAWL ‰PWNED ~ OMG¬ E=MC² 101000101000100010101001110101001. . . BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Jesus, the thing’s on fire . . .OK, obviously still some bugs to be ironed out there. I’ll try and sort it for next time. My apologies for any distress caused. I wasn’t expecting that kind of content myself to be honest. Not really appropriate behaviour really, least of all from a machine. LOL?