THAT'S HOW WARS ARE WON

I'm really looking forward to Fine Gael's John Redmond centenary in 2016. It'll put more distance between us and the Easter Rising thugs. Chances are that World War Three will have kicked off by then too and encouraging a load of youngsters to go off and take part in that should not only be character building but also act as a neat tribute to Mister Redmond. Redmond told the young men of his time to go to war and that 'the task is not difficult'. Redmond's advice was a bit more positive than the promises of martyrdom made by the other lot and, as long as you didn't die or go mad from shell shock, the task wasn't 'difficult' at all.

Although, back then war was simpler, not like now where one side is getting blown to bits by robots operated by people playing Nintendo Wii a continent away. Back then, one hundred years ago, all you had to do was shoot a fella in a vital organ or maybe step forward, thrust your bayonet into his belly, place your foot on his chest and then pull the bayonet back out again. Then you'd proceed to the next fella and do the same to him. Not difficult at all that. Even a child could follow those instructions and some children did. As long as the young men and kids steered clear of the phosgene and the bullets and bayonets of the other side, World War One was quite a nice war to be part of. It was fought in some very scenic places too.

Overall, the 2016 celebrations should be lovely. Enda's asked the Queen of Britain over and she'll probably say a few words about how war is a grand old thing when done properly. Then a few cannons will be fired and then we'll get down to the business of sending our young away to fight, just like some of their forefathers did.

Like I said though, the next world war will be fairly different to the last. It won't just be the technology, it'll be less straightforward in all sorts of ways. It'll be hard to tell who's on whose side for a start. You'll see a Russian fella and you kill him, that part should be grand but the fundamentalist shower, the Arabs and all that crowd, they could be on anyone's side. Isis might be on our side in one country and against us just over the border in another. That'll be hard to cope with. I suppose the youngsters will just shout out 'friend or foe' and the Arabs will answer honestly. Israel will no doubt be getting stuck in too. Religious death cults love a bit of carnage and Abraham's heirs are certainly no exception. Israel will be on our side I'd imagine but they'll probably try and kill us anyway. They're very keen on just letting anyone and everyone have it. That's their technique. It's asymmetric you see, which makes a lot of sense if you think about it asymmetrically. Israel will probably lay into the child troops the most. There's nothing like a dead nipper as far as the Holy Landers are concerned so the kiddie platoons will have to be on the look out for them.

Of course, we'll have to put up with some anti-war sentiment at home. Not much, you never hear a peep out of artists or the like these days, but a certain amount of cribbing is unavoidable. There'll be malcontents and weirdos saying that it's wrong to go fighting and to kill children and all that. They'll focus on the child fatalities the most I suppose but, the way I see it, we may as well send the kids into the field of operation, as it's called in the trade. The kids may as well get involved in the killing because they're going to die anyway. At least this way they might kill a few of the enemy too and killing is what it's all about. Killing. Killing Killing Killing KILLING!

Yeah. That's how wars are won so get the children armed up and get them out on the field. Their deaths will be for their own good and we can always commemorate them in another one hundred years when we're sending off the next lot.

Can't wait!

PERVY PEARSE: THE NONCE OF 1916

(pictured above: Pádraig Pearse-note the smirk, probably thinking about wee lads in the nip)

Up to recently, Pádraig Pearse was thought to have been homosexual. There was strong evidence for this.
A: Pearse was crap around women.
B: He founded a school for ‘boys’!
C: He spent much of The Easter Rising dancing around the G.P.O. to Depeche Mode’s song Master and Servant (wearing only bicycle shorts).

However, it has since been discovered that homosexuality isn’t evil* and so we must reappraise Pearse because there can be little doubt that the Butcher of 1916 was sublimating dark urges of some sort.

Perusing the new book by Ruth Dudley Edwards, Perverts All: A History of Irish Self-Determination, I was shocked to read Pearse’s poem Little Lad of the Tricks. Considering this piece, one can only conclude that Pearse was a rampant paedophile. Here’s an extract:

Little lad of the tricks,
I wanna kiss your mouth:
It makes me feel so good
Who’s the Daddy now?

Lad of the grey eyes,
That flush in thy cheek
You’d be white with dread
If ya could see inside my head!

(Guitar solo)

Ooh I’m gonna touch ya!
Kiss ya and caress ya!
Who’s the daddy now?
Little lad of the tricks
Little lad of the tricks
Little lad on my dick
Little lad on my dick

-Repeat to fade-

(Courtesy of Alternative Tentacles records, all rights reserved.)

Fairly conclusive I’d have thought.

Respected crypto-historian Marianne Elliot also raises some interesting points about another ‘hero’ of 1916, Michael Collins. In her new book, I’ll Fuck Anything That Moves: The Life of Michael Collins, Elliot asks if Collins was into livestock. You know like, as in riding farm animals. Considering Professor Elliot’s thesis, I can’t help but agree. Collins grew up on a farm after all didn’t he? He did you know. Why did he choose to grow up on a farm do you think? Easy access to beasts? It’s disgusting to think of it, the Big Fellow, cornering some traumatised lamb. God, really, I have to say, I’m ashamed to be Irish. Like Edwards and Elliot, I’m ashamed to be Irish but, unlike Edwards and Elliot, I am not in a position to write of that shame and so will have to forego the compensation of profiting from it financially.

(*if only we could discover another Casement black diary with something really mad in it. I can’t imagine what so I’ll leave that to Prof. Elliot. She’d come up with something deadly.)