CLAWS

Some people find them creepy but I think claws make great pets. You don’t have to clean up after them and they don’t require feeding. They can be quite affectionate too in their own way and it is nice to see them scuttling down the hall to meet you when you get home. If one makes the effort to overcome initial squeamishness, one finds that, as pets, claws are second to none.

There is a wide variety of claws to be had and each one is unique. You can’t break them down into species categories but there are certain types. Some are long and bony, some have talons, some are hairy, and some just look like normal human hands. The human hand types are the easiest to come by and not really valued by most collectors but I find them to be the most intelligent and you can even set them little errands, like fetching the TV remote. Try getting your typical hairy claw to do that, not likely.
(pictured above: teach them tricks)

Claws are also handy (excuse the pun) when it comes to intruders. I had a break in about a month ago but the burglar didn’t get very far before Eugene (my favourite claw) leapt upon his throat and squeezed the life out of him. At least that was the coroner’s summation. We can’t be absolutely sure as no one was there at the time but for the claws and the late criminal himself.

Women are often reluctant to entertain my fondness for claws and it’s hard to get another date once they’ve been over to my place. How many times have I seen that wide-eyed look of horror when they realise the hand creeping up their thigh is not mine but in fact a monstrous disembodied claw? It’s as horrified a look as you could expect to see. It’s almost as bad as the look I get when they realise the hand is mine. Claws are a large part of my life and if these women can’t accept that then fine. I’m sure I’ll meet a goth type or something who will be perfectly happy with my pet claws or maybe some kind of hard ass carnival woman with tattoos and all that.

The only real drawback when it comes to claw ownership is the difficulty in getting a license. I had to apply several times and they really don’t make it easy for you. It’s obvious that the authorities don’t want to encourage the domestication of claws but I see this as down to basic ignorance. There is a prejudice against claws thanks to the media and silly horror films. If treated right, claws are harmless. Yes, there was that one incident with that little girl last year but you have to wonder if she was provoking the claw that throttled her. In my experience, claws are gentle creatures as long as you respect them and are not the subject of their occult vendetta (all claws have a vendetta, it’s just their nature).

If you are interested in claw ownership there are lots of websites and books in the library with useful tips. Remember, you won’t find claws in your local pet-shop and buying them online is inadvisable as you never know what you might get. It is best to try and bag one yourself. There should be no shortage of them crawling around your nearest graveyard or place of Satanic worship.
(pictured above: provide your claw with a 'safe place'-old Tupperware is ideal)

So, that’s all I have to say about claws. I hope I’ve at least changed a few minds about our taloned friends and will just finish by reminding you that I will be on Nationwide (RTE, after the 6-1 news on Thursday) showing my claws to the delightful Mary Kennedy, so programme that into the Sky Plus and happy clawing.