A GREAT WHITE SHARK ON THE BLACKBOARD

A pilot fish swims at the mouth of a great white shark so it can feed off the scraps that fall from the shark's jagged teeth. What is a pilot fish without a great white shark? I'll tell you what a pilot fish without a great white shark is - a pilot fish without a great white shark is a very hungry fish. A starving fish.

Now, imagine the shark was a bit of a silly billy and got a bit greedy and ate up all there was to eat in the sea and there was nothing left. What would happen then? Well, for a while the shark and the pilot fish would feel very fat and happy but eventually the shark would become hungry again and so would the pilot fish. There is nothing to eat! What are the shark and pilot fish to do? Well, it's quite simple. Some of the pilot fish should offer themselves and swim into the great white's mouth while the others remain to eat whatever remnants fall from the great white's gob. Selecting which pilot fish get eaten would be up to the pilot fish but I'd imagine the weaker ones, the ones down the back, furthest from the shark's mouth, would be incentivised to offer themselves first. Persuasive statements like: 'it's time to don the pilot fish jersey' and 'it's your aquatic duty' would be thrown at the weaker pilot fish and, despite emitting little grumbles and leaving a few snarky posts on pilotfish.ie, into the shark's mouth these fish would go. Better to be dinner than have no dinner, right?

Pilot fish are greedy but the great white shark is greedier. The great white shark is the greediest of the greedy and, ultimately, pilot fish respect him for this. Pilot fish wouldn't have to resort to self-sacrifice in times of scarcity if they were as greedy as the great white and not just as greedy as each other. Greed is strength.

Greed is strength and that is what we should teach kids in school. Draw a great white shark on the blackboard and tell the children the truth. Even if it isn't really the truth we may as well say it is because we act like it is. Because we act like There Is No Alternative.

ICTU SIPTU FUKU

(pictured – Is that Victor Jara?)

 

NO WAY! WE WON'T PAY! (well actually we will, all the same, anyway). 

Brother Number One Begg sat there on the committee of the Central Bank, presiding over the auditing of Anglo and the lads. 

We won't mention that because we don't even know - we just got out on the streets and Mundy did a song. We had a great time and all sang along. 

We let off steam and went home again and there'll be no national strike or anything like that because, fundamentally and absolutely, we're all full of crap. 

We don't really care about anything but our wage so if you don't go there we'll probably vote yous in again –
F fuckin F or F fuckin G or L fuckin A fuckin B. The alternatives to those three are fuckin comedy. 

So cut what you like, just don't cut me!
With a hey diddle dong and a fiddle dee dee.
ICTU SIPTU FUKU - Hee Hee Hee!

SOT

Soon there will be eleven numbers from one to ten. A new number is being officially introduced later in the year. The number is called sot and it comes between six and seven.

Sot will not just be a number. Like other whole numbers, sot will also be an amount. Imagine you have six things. Now imagine you have seven things. Now imagine you have an amount of things that comes between six and seven. Fractions are not included.

You look puzzled. There is no need to be puzzled. This amount has always been there. You have probably never seen this amount because your perception of external reality is mediated by an education that is based on an outdated macro level Newtonian interpretation. However, some of you might have seen this amount whilst under the influence of a fever or hallucinogens or stupefied by the drink. It is when you are in these states that you are briefly liberated from your stifling, culturally imposed, preconceptions. It is when feverish, hallucinating, or pissed out of your mind, that you can truly see reality - much like very young children or supposedly crazy people do.

You may be wondering why we need the new number but be prepared, sot is just the first of many new numbers. We are starting slow. Before the decade is out you can expect to see unt, fleb, and juk added to the digits between one and ten. We are going to need these new numbers to help us finally get a grasp on what is really afoot in the Universe. A new conceptual model is required so that our species can move closer to a true unification with its surroundings. The old ways will soon collapse under the sudden weight of new understanding. Don't feel too anxious. It's not going to be anything scary. It won't be all doom and gloom on the fleb o'clock news. You may feel overwhelmed at first but just take a deep breath and count to sot. You'll be fine.

In related news, they are also making zero the highest number so from now on we are counting to nothing. There will no longer be a need for calculations of any sort as ultimately it all adds up to fuck all. Counting forwards will be the same as counting backwards and the only thing you'll really be able to count on is that you can't count on much.

a dIFficULt w0rK oF gEnIus

(pictured above: Joyce - pwnd)

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The Fall E. Smith (babaPapaBegorraghZigaZig-HaLMNOpelicanChambourcyHippototsChambourcyHippototsBhamcourcyTippohotsRhambouccyPiphosnotsChUmbongoUmbongoTheyDrinkItInTheCongo— fuk!) of a dunce Occupy wallstrait oldspice mice play diCe with spurret and lark Rise to Candleford and Poldark on Mopeds early in bed and later on lie die down and frown through all christian black and white Lyons tea minstrelsy Packie bonner. The great Mark E. Smithwicks fall of the overalls untillytally at such snort ortice the paranormalschutehirsute of Finnegan, arse boiled flan, that the buMptyBennyhillhead of humself bumptios plumptious an unglun DobboOn the SiXone beef wellington to the georgewhere did itall go wrongBest in quest of his boozymissworldcontestanttitties: and their upthejunction is at the bill deskface out in the lark in the park where cureheads haVe been laid low by skins to fust and fangle upon the green since dev-linsfirst loved very very iffyy stiffy and then came in a jiffy and SeaQuest was shite and Seaquest was shite and it was no wonder it was cancelled because seaQuesT was shite.


...see, I told yous, anyone can write that crap.

(I threw in a few pop cultural references so geek types can enjoy it too. They enjoy any old fuck-wittery as long as it refers to something that made an impact on their telly cage brains.)

FINDING GOD

Let's find God!!!

Click to enlarge and print out the missing poster above. Hang it in the few places in your locality that remain public property. Let's find God so we can thank him for our dinner and beg for forgiveness and all that.

HOW TO STOP LIVING – WITHOUT DYING

(Pictured: it's no use missus, he's left the building)

So, I came back to Earth with a sound like a slightly exasperated sigh that no one noticed. There I was, manifest again; vapour coalesced into matter. I had come from the place where nothing is everything and everything isn't anywhere to be seen. I was Nowhere and it was neither interesting nor uninteresting. It was nothing. You get there by going through this thing that is like a thing, you know the sort of thing, and then you are there and you know you're there because there is nothing there and you are nowhere at all. There isn't really much that can be said about the place other than saying that being Nowhere makes you nothing and not existing can be quite relaxing.

Would you like to try not existing yourself? I bet you would. It's all the rage with the kids these days. I'll show you how if you want. Nonexistence is quite an easy state to achieve but be warned, the process is often irreversible.

There are actually two ways to achieve nonexistence. One is to die. People don't like doing that. It goes against their nature. They are big into being alive and all that (fair enough, each to their own) so the alternative route to nonexistence is the one that appeals to most. The other way to achieve nonexistence is to stop living without dying. Here's how to do it:

To stop living without dying you must first discard the locus of all that keeps you moored to this plane of existence. This is your corporeal housing - your body and the identity it has been given. To dispense with this you must repeat your name over and over and over again until it just sounds like a load of syllables and no longer sounds like it has anything to do with you. Do this while staring at yourself naked in a full length mirror. Concentrate on your face in particular. Examine it and stare at it until it cognitively reduces to nothing more than an amalgamation of features and is no longer something by which you are defined. It is just a communication tool, a conveyer of contrivance, something that is either being insincere or involuntarily betraying your insincerity. Your face is just a mask. Your head is just a helmet. Your body is just a suit. These things are not you. Take them off.

If you have done the above you will find you have upped anchor and sailed away from the grounded and socially enforced sense of self that is considered the only one possible in today's physicalist culture. What does this feel like you may wonder? Well, it's pretty much an out of body experience. You will become a spirit. You will regard your body and the name it is called as things that are associated with you but no more you than the car you drive or your telephone number. You will float in a world unmediated by words and all the insidious assumptions that come with them. You will be in a world of ideas and potential. A world of mental energy. A world undecided. The world of spirits. (Spirits are not the same thing as ghosts by the way, ghosts are echoes of the dead, spirits are very much alive.)

You will float around (it's not really floating but that's as close as I can get to describing it) and you will see things for what they are and everything they possibly could become, which is nothing at all. I can't really describe what it is like to you any better than that because your ability properly grasp the experience is akin to a goldfish's ability to get a decent idea of the world outside of its bowl. It's beyond your comprehension but believe this: if you follow my instructions and stop living without dying you will be free. Remember though, once free it is very hard to be recaptured. Unlike me, you'll probably never return to the prison of your body. Your body will not be dead but it will be considered catatonic and moved to a medical facility where it can be fed through a drip and filled with flamboyant drugs.

What do you think the story is with all those catatonic people? When you are looking at a catatonic person you are looking at an empty prison cell. The spirit of the entity that once was trapped there has long since escaped and now roams free. This is what is really meant by the popular phrase, 'set your spirit free'. Of course, you'd never hear Dobbo say that on the Six-One News but that's because the powers that be want to keep us all on the physical plane. 'They' need us here so 'They' have made us prisoners in their invisible prison. 'They' are masters of this illusory domain, this battery farm for brains, this cognitive concentration camp.

'Who are 'They'?', I hear you ask. Well, that's a story for another time. Not next time but a time close to next time. Maybe even the time after next time or maybe I'll never bother telling you who 'They' are at all. Who knows? It all depends what mood I'm in.

BACKWARDS FORWARDS

and now I'm here again, yes, I'm back and I'll tell you how I came to be back in the next post but for this post I want to tell you about something I witnessed on my way back. On my way back (from a place that defies description because it isn't even there) I passed through several planes that contained possible realities that could have come to be if it wasn't for the fact that they didn't. One such reality caught my attention. A reality where the following took place...

This wealthy corporation invented rear view mirrors for pedestrians but pedestrians didn't want them because pedestrians didn't need them so then the corporation made ads and movies with 'cool' and 'glamorous' people walking backwards and made the ability to walk backwards a bit of a cultural status symbol and the inability to walk backwards a bit of a social stigma so, after a time, not too long a time, everyone wanted to walk backwards and then, to help them do it safely, the corporation sold everyone rear view mirrors.

Sales were staggeringly good. Shares in the corporation shot up and people were employed in the production, the selling, and the exportation and importation of rear view mirrors for pedestrians - and related products. In short: walking backwards was good for the economy and made fiscal sense. Everyone was happily walking backwards to work and then happily walking backwards to shops to spend their wages on rear view mirrors and rear view mirror paraphernalia - like rear view mirror polish and rear view mirror ornamentation. (People liked to decorate their rear view mirrors in different ways in order to express their individuality. Having said that, only a handful of decoration designs were considered desirable. The rest were considered to be lacking 'that certain something' required by the vast majority of people. So, the vast majority of people all expressed their individuality by purchasing the same select handful of decoration designs. Maybe it was belonging they were after and not individuality. Who knows? People eh? They're a funny lot.)

Anyway, everyone was happy and after a generation or two they all forgot how to walk forwards. They even forgot why anyone would want to walk forwards and actually considered walking backwards to be walking forwards. To these people, not walking backwards would be a perverse and/or insane thing to do. Rear view mirror sales never abated. The economy thrived. Going forward.

So, what do you think of that? Seem familiar? Surely not. Such batty fuckin behaviour could never become the norm in our reality. Heaven forbid! Heavens to Betsy! And who is Betsy anyway?

...So many questions. We shall answer all of them together or die in the attempt. I'll start by answering a question no one asked. The question is: 'what happened to Fugger after last time?' But I've run out of time so to find out what happened to Fugger after last time join Fugger next time.