Bravo le Nouvelle Merde!

I am Gustav Klankenheimer and they love me. I have clawed away at the jaded façade of cinema and forced the bourgeoisie to inhale deeply upon the excremental stench that permeates all our lives. ‘Look,’ I order them, ‘look at the shit’. ‘Smell it,’ I demand, gripping the backs of their skulls and forcing their powdered snouts down into the stinking crap. ‘Eat the shit’ I scream. ‘EAT EXISTENCE’. It is intense. We are . . . each of us, . . .every one of us, . . .all of us, . . .terrified . . .and . . .aroused. I make them eat the shit and they LOVE me for it.

My latest film is called F**king Dog. It features an emaciated dog being severely beaten by a blubbering and incoherent alcoholic sheet metal worker. This abuse goes on for four and a half hours. A lone bagpipe wheezes lethargically on the soundtrack. The dog finally shits and then dies. This is death, all our deaths, and the life, all our lives, that precedes it. This is suffering. This is IRAQ!

Cannes rise to their feet. They cheer. They applaud. One woman screams and tears open her blouse. Her breasts are wantonly exposed, like a greedy infant I clasp to them and feed. I feed for dear life. I Feed. FEED! This garners more applause from the assembled cognoscenti who then begin to shriek in unison like panic stricken primates at the approach of a large jungle cat. The complimentary vol au vents are hurled into the air. ‘Bravo le nouvelle merde’ roars a member of the newly liberated hoard as he discards the petty presumptions that have guided him all his life and falls to the floor on all fours. Soon everyone is on all fours, salivating and tearing at each other’s garments with their teeth until they are naked and bloody and rutting like dogs. Filthy, mange ridden DOGS! They are like dogs . . .yet I have never seen anything so human.

The cloak room attendant looks puzzled as the editor of Cahiers Du Cinéma mounts his lower leg. F**k that cloakroom philistine. What knows he of torment? What knows he of the abyss? What knows he of flickering fluorescent bulbs, steadily dripping faucets, abandoned foetuses in dingy train station toilet cubicles?

We are all desperate starving dogs being slowly beaten to death by drunken sheet metal workers. We are all the nouvelle merde. This is the stench of life and I, . . .I, . . .I, . . .I AM GUSTAV KLENKENHEIMER!!!!! LOVE ME!

A RAFT OF SOLUTIONS!

(Pictured: two members of the establishment to the rescue)

I hear the Taoiseach and ministers are awaiting the go ahead from IBEC re: the implementation of profit making flood relief ventures. It is proposed that water charges be introduced as an incentive to those with water logged homes/work-places to return said liquids to their (newly) privately owned places of origin or face financial penalties. This will 'incentivize' floodees to not just spend their time floating around the place on lilos expecting the exchequer to bail (pun unintended) them out. As the Taoiseach put it himself, 'Everyone's a winner'.

In addition to this measure, Cardinal Desmond Connell has been appointed to head up a National Emergency Flood Response Action Force Committee. This committee includes AIB's robust fiscal dynamo Colm Doherty and other luminaries of good governance, such as various members of The Knights of Columbanus and/or Opus Dei. 'It'll be like Thunderbirds but without the actual Thunderbirds', suggested the Taoiseach.

'Legitimate' needs will also be dealt with via the altruistic issuing of vouchers that will go 'some way' toward covering the cost of life-jackets from participating outlets. The vouchers will be awarded to means tested parties after they present the required documentation (utility bills, proof of address etc.). Soggy documentation will not be accepted going forward.

'We've set aside €67 for this now, so we're serious', mumbled the Taoiseach.

A Tune

Pictured above: Bruce Foxton, Paul Weller and Dennis Waterman (centre)

My brother used love this BAND.

FORUM FUN :)

Last night I was online discussing my favourite TV show with my buddies on the forums. It's great the way the net has democratised the communications/cultural landscape going forward. Here's what went down...

THREAD TOPIC: MISSED LAST NIGHT'S SHOW!

SuzyMcQ

Registered User

Posts: 3,710

Hey guys, I missed the show yesterday because my Mom died. Did anyone record it or know where I can download it?
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TrumanTheHuman

Registered User

Posts: 9,675

Try Rapidshare. Should be up by now. Sorry to hear about your Mom. :(
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SuzyMcQ

Registered User

Posts: 3,711

Quote: "Try Rapidshare. Should be up by now. Sorry to hear about your Mom. :("

Got it from Rapidshare, Thanks Tru. Don't be sorry about Mom. She was kind of old and crazy anyways. ;)
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FatGuyJerkingOff

Novice

Posts: 28

I dig pussy!
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TrumanTheHuman

Registered User

Posts: 9,676

Mods, he's back again. Could you please remove the pussy remark?
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HappyCamper

Novice

Posts: 1

Hi, I'm a noob to the forum. Just wanted to say that I really enjoyed the show last night. I thought the bit with the crabs was a tiny bit unoriginal but I really liked the show.
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BigBadBrad

Registered User

Posts: 156,890

Quote: "I thought the bit with the crabs was a tiny bit unoriginal"

WTF??? The bit with the crabs was the best part of the show. I don't think you should come barging onto this forum (a FAN forum!!!) shouting about unoriginality when your post is like the most unoriginal thing I have ever seen IN MY LIFE!
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MidnightRambler

Registered User

Posts: 98,008

Quote: "I thought the bit with the crabs was a tiny bit unoriginal"

I agree with the Bradmeister. If you've gotta criticize the show at least say something constructive. I don't think it's enough to come on here and say it's unoriginal and not make any suggestions or anything.
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BikerGal

Registered User

Posts: 5,256

Quote: "I don't think it's enough to come on here and say it's unoriginal and not make any suggestions or anything."

Yeah. It's kind of cowardly.
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FatGuyJerkingOff

Novice

Posts: 29

Pussy Rocks!
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TrumanTheHuman

Registered User

Posts: 9,677

Mods, could you please do something about this pussy stuff?
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HappyCamper

Novice

Posts: 2

@BigBadBrad, MidnightRambler, BikerGal

Guys, I didn't mean to get you riled. I love the show, I just thought the crab bit was like I've seen on other shows but it's really not a big problem for me. I really love the show :)
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BigBadBrad

Registered User

Posts: 156,891

Quote: @BigBadBrad, MidnightRambler, BikerGal

Guys, I didn't mean to get you riled. I love the show, I just thought the crab bit was like I've seen on other shows but it's really not a big problem for me. I really love the show :)

Jesus H. Why don't you kill yourself or make yourself more intelligent?
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MidnightRambler

Registered User

Posts: 98,009

Quote: "Jesus H. Why don't you kill yourself or make yourself more intelligent?"

LMFAO!
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,015

Quote: "@BigBadBrad, MidnightRambler, BikerGal

Guys, I didn't mean to get you riled ... I really love the show :)

Faggot.
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StoneColdStunner

Registered User

Posts: 504

My brother used to date a girl who went to college with a guy who roomed with this other guy who had the same barber as a guy who works on the show and the barber told the guy who roomed with the guy who went to college with my bro's ex that the next show is going to be even better!
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BikerGal

Registered User

Posts: 5,257

Quote: "My brother used to date a girl who went to college with a guy who roomed with this other guy who had the same barber as a guy who works on the show and the barber told the guy who roomed with the guy who went to college with my bro's ex that the next show is going to be even better!"

I doubt the veracity of your sources.
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,016

Quote: "My brother used to date a girl who went to college with a guy who roomed with this other guy who had the same barber as a guy who works on the show and the barber told the guy who roomed with the guy who went to college with my bro's ex that the next show is going to be even better!"

The show's fine as it is. Your bro is full of shit. F**k you and your queer bro.
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FatGuyJerkingOff

Novice

Posts: 30

PUSSY! PUSSY! PUSSY!
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TrumanTheHuman

Registered User

Posts: 9,678

Mods, what's with the pussy stuff getting on here? This is like the hundredth time! }:[
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BikerGal

Registered User

Posts: 5,258

Quote: "Mods, what's with the pussy stuff getting on here? This is like the hundredth time! }:["

Yeah mods, we're trying to discuss the show here.
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FatGuyJerkingOff

Novice

Posts: 31

I'm a big Fat Guy and I'm jerking off!
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TrumanTheHuman

Registered User

Posts: 9,679

MODS!!!!
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FatherOfOne

Registered User

Posts: 445

I find much in life to be disappointing and I take no pleasure in adding last night's episode to that ever lengthening list, which also includes the state of public transport and my pathetic son Glen.
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HappyCamper

Novice

Posts: 3

Do they get the show in Japan? I bet the Japanese would love the show. LOL!
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BigBadBrad

Registered User

Posts: 156,892


Quote: "Do they get the show in Japan? I bet the Japanese would love the show. LOL!"

Seriously dude, are you still here?
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,017


Quote: "Do they get the show in Japan? I bet the Japanese would love the show. LOL!"

I have no doubt the Japs would love the show but think that you are a faggot.
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HappyCamper

Novice

Posts: 4

It's no wonder pepole find the net an unfriendly place with pepole like you guys on it.
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,018

Quote: "It's no wonder pepole find the net an unfriendly place with pepole like you guys on it."

Sure, but what's a 'pepole' exactly?
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HappyCamper

Novice

Posts: 5

Quote: "Sure, but what's a 'pepole' exactly?"

You know what I mean.
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,019

"Quote: You know what I mean."

I doubt anyone knows what you mean. You are meaningless.
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HappyCamper

Novice

Posts: 6

You make this forum an unfriendly place.
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,020

"Quote: You make this forum an unfriendly place."

For you buddy, the world must be an unfriendly place.
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HappyCamper

Novice

Posts: 7

I'm never posting here again.
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,021

"Quote: I'm never posting here again."

My work is done.
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PrivateSectorEmployee

Registered User

Posts: 657

I'm happy with the show the way it is but my wife says she wishes it was a little longer. What do you guys think?
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,022

"Quote: I'm happy with the show the way it is but my wife says she wishes it was a little longer. What do you guys think?."

I think that's your wife's way of saying she wishes your cock was a little longer.
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PrivateSectorEmployee

Registered User

Posts: 658

Quote: "I think that's your wife's way of saying she wishes your cock was a little longer."

Believe me pal, my wife's pretty happy on that score. ;)
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,023

Quote: "Believe me pal, my wife's pretty happy on that score. ;)"

That's because your wife is imaginary.
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PrivateSectorEmployee

Registered User

Posts: 659

I'm putting you on my ignore list NV. I didn't come here to be insulted.
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,024

Quote: "I didn't come here to be insulted."

That's what you think. Humming bird dick.
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,025

Wifeless dirtwad.
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,026

Dirtwad, you there?
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,027

Hello. . .
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,028

Hey Assholes!
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,029

Hello, guys, where you all at?
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,030

F**k you guys.
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,031

Hello? Anyone there?
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Necrophile'sValentine

Registered User

Posts: 70,032

Hello?
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FatGuyJerkingOff

Novice

Posts: 32

PUUUUUSSSSSSSAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!
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MODERATOR - THREAD LOCKED.

FOR THE LADIES...

Seeing as the last post was lads only, this post is strictly for the ladies (and I know a lot of broads visit this equal opportunities blog).

Ladies, simply enlarge the image above, print and pin up on your wall. It's the one you've been waiting for. To quote the mother, 'mmmmm, dishy'.

FOR THE LADS!

Thought it was about time this blog was put to some practical use so here are reviews of some recent releases from the world of adult entertainment.

BUKAKE KNIGHTS:

A medieval theme to this one. Problematic ex-child look-a-like Sasha Grey adopts attire akin to a tarty wench circa 1200AD. She is loaded into a large catapult device, launched from a turret over battlement walls and lands in a moat of man juice.

Overall Verdict - Disconcerting.

GANG BANG, THANK YOU MA'AM:

It's hard to know if there's actually a woman in most of this one. It's really just a sea of undulating gonads and what have you. The camera man seems happy enough but all the wobbling hairy arses etc. put me off my dinner (I like to eat in front of the laptop, which guests and family members find anti-social but, y'know, it saves time). I think I saw a girl's toe amongst the scrum at one stage but it's hard to be sure. The toe may have belonged to the girl who featured at the start of the movie. She was very pretty but seemed a touch slow. I may have heard her a few times during the action too. She was saying something about being a 'naughty slut'. Strangely, Popeye's laughter also seemed to permeate the soundtrack???

Overall Verdict - Discombobulating.

STRICT BIAATCHES:

Daphne and Monica (two of my favourites) whack the crap out of each other with an assortment of objects that include table tennis bats (good), yard brushes (disturbing) and dustbin lids (quite sexy). There is also a bit where Daphne fires a flare gun at Monica, which is downright irresponsible behaviour when you think about it. The film seems to be in Dutch with Lithuanian subtitles which is odd as both Daphne Delites and Monica Havens are American ladies.

Overall Verdict - Harmless Fun.

Closing Statement:

When people complain about adult entertainment being 'exploitative' they should bear in mind the amount of people that go on from this genre to make something of their lives. Did you know that 32% of practising marine biologists are former porn stars? Also, both the world of orthodontics and the legal profession are chock-a-block with familiar faces that got their start in adult entertainment. Gives new meaning to the phrases 'open wide' and 'send him down' doesn't it? (Insert 'LOL' here)

P.S.: I also watched THIS ONE recently. It's awful. I couldn't even get anything going at half mast.