Sunday, June 12, 2011


(pictured above: Miley Cyrus, wholesome fun)

A bizarre scenario tends to creep into my mind during long bus journeys or lazy afternoons spent lounging around at home in my pyjama bottoms. It goes something like this:

Whilst touring North Africa, Miley Cyrus is abducted by Al Queda. The swarthy villains take Miley Cyrus back to their cave where they proceed to give her a spanking. In order to teach decadent American a lesson, the terrorists set up a camera and stream the whole thing on the internet. Miley Cyrus is spanked with an assortment of objects that include a table tennis bat, a diving flipper, and an old car license plate. Miley Cyrus gasps and bites her lip a bit. Her suffering is not excessive but the spanking clearly smarts to some extent.

Now, you might conclude that this is the meat and potatoes of my mental escapade but you’d be wrong in that presumption. The story continues:

After Miley Cyrus escapes from Al Queda, she appears on a syndicated television programme to discuss her ordeal. The programme is peppered with highlights from the Al Queda footage, which Miley must watch and relive. A live studio audience is then asked to press their key pads and vote on whether or not the pop princess deserved such treatment. Surprisingly, a large majority of the audience decide that Miley’s peachy arse did indeed deserve a paddling. The singer hangs her head and looks suitably admonished.

There’s one other element I mustn’t leave out. An all important factor. For me, the very best bit of this scenario, the clincher so to speak, is the way Miley has to stand while appearing on the television programme. She is offered a seat but declines, telling the host she can’t sit down because, and I quote, ‘it still kinda stings a bit’. This final detail is paramount to my fantasy’s appeal. This, for me, is the pay off, the pièce de résistance of my internal digression.

So, there you have it. I just thought I’d share. I hope you do not judge me too harshly. In my defence, I would like to point out that Miley Cyrus has turned eighteen. Although, in pointing that out, I feel compelled to admit the scenario has been playing out in my mind for almost two years. Does that make me a bad person? Should I turn myself in? I suppose a presidential nomination is out of the question? Ah well, what the hell, . . .fuck yiz.


Danny said...

don't worry Fugger...she turned 18 after all, and as they say: Old enough to sell The Sun/Old enough for one up the bum!

i had an idea for Richard Madley (check the 'tags' down the right hand side) to host a programme called 'Madely Feeds Africa' which would inadvertently arouse decadent European shame...i have sent a pitch of the idea over to his offices numerous times, but no response so far...maybe ill try him on twitter

barrymore said...

Well, what it is, you see...that daydream...I think you might have paternalistic feelings towards the girl. Honest! Do you know who her real life dad is? John Voigt. Seems to me you've somehow come to think you're him. That accounts for it. If her bums a bit sensitive after a good whacking, as a caring father you're most likely going to put your arm round her for a bit of reassurance and say 'Come on love, you'll soon feel better! You listen to you're old dad'

All the other stuff is just a sort of a background noise. People tend to think the worst when it comes to these things but it ain't always bad. Who's to say there's anything wrong in your intentions? You could just have easily had a dream about taking her for a driving lesson down the common.

Fugger said...

Madley is a bit busy shooting Madley's Repose at the moment Danny. I've seen some leaked footage and it seems a bit monotonous to be honest.

Barrymore! If John Voight was Miley Cyrus' dad she'd be called Miley Voight. Her father was actually Cyrus the Great (600 BC or 576 BC–530 BC). The kid's actually ancient so I'm off the hook.